Thursday, October 07, 2004

Isn't it weird.......

That things dun happen the way you want them to, or happens exactly the way you planned it to, but the problem is that you did not want it to happen that way? High fever tends to screw your brain, you do senseless things, you make decisions that dun make sense. So why do we do this? I dun know.....

I guess my nature is to be self destructive, in a way I thrive in sorrow, unhappiness and anything that is sad. Thus I screw myself over and over just to feel pain, emotional or pyhsical, and get a high from it. Its a sick mind up there, with the recent spat of fever, it got sicker.

Its funny still that you hav espent so much time looking for the one that you know is rite for you yet, you cannot have her. Maybe I dun dar eto have her, as I dun know if I can ever be good enuff, ok that is all crap. I guess there is more factors in life than wad you want and wad you get. I got something that I did not mind, nor did not want, thus when I found wad i really want, i hav ebeen stuck with wadever came along for so long that I dun dare to go for wad I want?

Its not making sense, I am not making this world, I guess nothing makes sense anymore. I tend to do stupid things, ppl agree. Fever seems to be creeping up again...let it be, maybe it will juts burn up and make me a simpler person? Maybe .....just maybe.

Its seems the only way is to give the one you want up. why....coz this is not a fairy tale, nothing goes teh way you want, we live in a fools dream, it pains me to see her so miserable, maybe it pains me less if she hates me..... at least I know she would go on without me in her heart, I dun mind having to hol don to her allmy life, to wish, to regret....yes regret, something I promised never to do again, but alas, in this situation, there is no way I am going to win, or to say, getthe best possible means out of it.

I had to choose the logical path, bear the miserable pain, as I can see it is weariing away at your bones. In the end, only I rememebr such a time and will bear all of it. I guess I willl let my heart die its slow death and just carry on the path that logic dictates. Its funny eh.....that it was wad its meant to be after all