Thursday, March 10, 2005

Defense mechanism

I wrote this piece a long time ago on a cetain forums that I no longer go to anymore, recently I have thought about teh long piece I wrote and thus thought that I should put it up in my blog where I can remeber it. The italics are usually the thoughts i had during that time, I was pretty much screwed up then, have straighten my thoughts out a lot nowadays.

Defence mechanisms Prologue

In this series I have decided to tell a bit of the defenses that I have put up to safe guard myself from outside emotional hurt, be it from ppl whom I love or friends that I care for(that is why I always tell ppl that I dun have friends, even those whom I regard as my closest) It will let you have a glimpse of teh inner workings of this whacked out insane mind I got stuck in my cranium or in short, this sorry excuse of a brain I got.

Also I hope that ppl can look thru this and fiond out if they have teh same traits of this weird excuse of a human being and may learn from it. I may enclose some advises that ppl might want to heed in order not to commit the sevre mistakes I have done in my course of time. If even only one person benifit from my not so insightful look at emotions, I would be happy that it did helped someone.

Building walls

Most of the older birds in here know I got 40+ ex and that I am a sort of play boy in my past, off the 40+ ex gfs I had, with each time a set back occurs, be it quarrels, emotional blackmails or even disagreements to the slightess things, I hav eeither set a brick on the wall I build up, a whole section of the wall, or a new whole wall completely, depends on the depth of hurt it meant to me. Also form the 40+ r/s I got, I had maybe 4 times the number of said rejections? The same principle appiles for friendshipd or ppl I hold the dearest to me, by friends affect much 2 times more than a r/s does on the same basis and thus my walls against friends are much more and much higher.

Friends hold dear to me and i have had ppl that I have considered my best of friends stabbing me on my back countles of times, thus my reluctance to accpet or label ppl whom I hold dearly to me as my friends, let alone close friends

Defenses Used from the Walls we built

With each wall that is built, sometimes they are converted to defenses that we almost often use against everyone we meet, be it the 1st time or a long time friend. Some defense used commonly is shyness, or being too proud, being totally ignorant of the surroundings, emotional blackmails and even creating senerios or constraints that you try to adhere to. There are many other defenses that are not too commmon that only some whom is considered a mental case in some parts of the world deploy to their discretion. These include, paranoia, creating of multiple personalities to deal with different situations, self destructiveness and total shut down of social status(which is a worst case scenerio)

I guess you guys are wondering which I employ, sadly I find myself to use the more serious of defenses , bringing to light that I may not be as sane as teh average person. Sometiems I have hoped that I was never this way, as i think that I would be much happier if I did not cared so much

Shyness as a defense

This is a common defense ppl employ, this is becoz everyone wants to give a good impression the the ppl ard them. this is especially true when you meet someone for teh 1st time. Thus you try to go into your inner self, as far as you can, and hope for the best. The bravery of the individual plays an important role to this effect too. The less brave a person is , the less he/she will be willing to take risk, thus being shy.

I almost always employ this defense when I meet up with a new person or someone that I have never met for a long time. My case, its not becoz I am not brave but becoz I have built up walls so complex that sometimes I become lost in them.

Being proud or obnoxious

Yes this can also be a sort of defense. Some ppl when they meet they become very loud and irritating and they do it so that they can hide how scared they are inside and in order not to show taht they are in fact either a noboday or they are really scared to show how alone they actually are. They purposely become this form to irritate others to ensure that a proper friendship almost never forms thus saving themselves from the hurt a friend might give to you when you least expect it.

I do employ this a lot, especially at gatherings when I met ppl more than one time, I got to apologize to those whom I met here and have employed it on them. I guess i was too afraid to let anyone get close to the real me(if there is such a thing)

Emotional blackmails

This is a type of black mail that almost all of us use, we tend to ask our friends or our spouse question like ' if your my friend you will....' or 'if you love me you will...' All these is a form of emotional black mail leaving little room for your friend or partner to manuvre. This is considered an ofensive defense, meaning that you take precautions to protect yourself even before the emotional stress presents itself. I think that everyone shld not do it to their friends or spouse, why you might ask? Well simple, will rather a person do things for you becoz they want to or they do it becoz they are obligated to do so. A more serious form of emotional blackmail is to cause harm to oneself in the presence of the target that you want to blackmail emotionally. This not only destroys your own body, it also makes the other party feel trapped and lost for actions and in turn giving in to your needs

Yes, this is one of my favs....I know I am an evil person, but I used to black mail ppl with the more servere case of this form of defense and often get away with it. I used to bash my own hand on the wall till its a bleeding plup, geti into trouble with ppl outside just to get myself hurt so badly and later call the target, all just to emotionally manupilate that person.

Creating consraints or Rules for yourself and others

This one is new to me and I only recently seen it being employed, I can understand why some ppl do it. Take example that you have been doing something for the past 5 yrs and always get hurt from it, be it the way you fall in love to how you make friends. Then the ppl whom you think are the closest to you tell you that it is not rite to do things the way you do it now. You will want to change and set a strict rule to follow to correct your behaviour. There is nutting wrong in doing that, the only thing wrong will be to tell teh person or ppl affected by this rule that this must be accomplish and they too need to adhere to it. The problem here is, if you want a rule to constraint yourself its fine, but dun tellteh ppl involved, coz you will be adding the burden to them and thus they will always be aware of it. Its worst if its something that you yourself can't control form not doing, thus you might not knowingly put the blame on these poor souls the mistakes of your own. Either making them guilt concious or totally building walls for it.

I myself have had some many character changes that I have lost my own identity and in doing so all the old characters seem to surface recently. Thus I am always baffled at the things I say or do to ppl. Even ppl whom have known me for yrs dun really kno wme, as I often show the character they have seen all these times and think that that is me. Thus if one day i group most of teh ppl in one room, I think they will be in for a surprise or I might go bonkers from changing form one to the other.

Self destructiveness

When I say this, i dun mean sucides or physical abuse to oneself, although they seem to be relevant. Wad I mean is sometimes a person does things or say things to ruin his own happiness so that he might avoid being hurt by others, meaning he rather hurt himself than hurt by others. This usually happens when the person has low confiendence in something, but usually applies to relationships. Meaning, that he does things to make the gal want to reconsider and then drop bombs to hurt the whole relationship. Like if he knows there are certain things he cannot push he will push for them jolly knowing the consequences of his own actions. Its sad but true that a lot fo us do this on a lesser degree. The problem only suffice when the person does it to himself almost everytime. His seif esteem gets lower each time a failure happens, wads worst is, he will employ this tactic more and more as his self esteem gets lower and lower. Teh danger is that since the esteem never recovers, the person is stuck in a loop hole and thus eventually destroys himself. Worst case may lead to sucide or mental institutions.

for a very long time I hav ebeen doing this to my gfs, or potential gfs, I guess when I find that things are not going my way I do it to bail, or just to prove that I knew it wun work out. If in future you think of doing it, think it this way, maybe something good might come out of it, so why not ride the full wave? As for myself I guess I have been doing it so much that I am in my comfort zone of self pity and thus find it hard to leave it as I feel that no one can provide the comfort I provide for myself.

I hope that this little insights might help a future person to prevent themselves form being set up or setting others up from teh defenses they had created for themselves. It may not be acurrate but these are my insights of the things that I have done in my past and hope that by sharing it, some of you might actually understand wad i am toking about, and maybe for teh curious few, might know me a bit more.

Pheww.....that was a long post.....