Wednesday, October 20, 2004


Ever felt this feeling? That is like guilt but a hundred times stronger? Well i guess i shld come clean in my blog at least once, at least now, that I have had been in a relationship for 5 yrs with this siimple gentle gal i met on IRC. Back then I was a mess, I was someone that felt like killing himself every other day. Then this simple gal took pity on me and started to love me.

To me, she was not the type of gal I would go for, simple, plain and just sweet. I always wanted a gal that wowed me, she never wowed me, but as she loved me I took wad I felt was 'as good as it gets' in my life. Wad a terrible thing to do rite. I always tot that the gal I wanted in my life never existed, thus I settled for something that seems to be second best. I got to say, if you out there want to settle for second best, dun, make sure you love teh gal with all your heart, else in the long run you will break up or worst divorce.

Well the situation is this, I met this gal recently and she is all I dream of having as a gal. Things were not handled well by me and we ended up in love. Now I am stuck with 2 gals, one is the gal that gave me so much in life, the other is the gal I would want so much out of life. I had 2 choices, to live a lie and continue my existance with this simple gal in my life or to end the 5 yr long r/s and go with the gal that I long for.

I told the gal I longed for that I was attached, she was devastated yet she took it very well. She did not mind being the hidden person, and yet I tried hard to push her away, I wanted to carry on livin a lie. I wanted not to go for teh unknown, yet I was too weak to let go of her. I wanted her so much, I was so selfish that i had only my own desires on my mind. Everyday i spend with her, I knew that she was teh one, the one that I feel I could grow old with, the one that I know would prank me and i would prank her.

Last nite, I finally came clean with the simple gal, I told her that I was in love with someone else. She was in a state of shock, yet she just wanted to love me andstill went home withme, as pernorm. She keep telling me she loved me. My heart sank each time i heard that. She is someone that could give a love i felt no human can, unconditional love, something I never knew I could or would get in my life.

A great feeling overwhelmed me in the middle of the nite I woke up and started crying, thinking of all the tihings she has done for me, and without her I wun be here at all now. I felt that I am being an ingrate by betraying her love fo rme, as my heart is thinking of someone else, I felt remorse about how selfish I am. Yet as I wept, she hugged me and patted my chest and hush me not to cry, AND I AM HURTING HER, wtf am I doing....I feel frustrated with myself, angry that I cannot lov eher teh way she had love me. Angry with myself for being weak n selfish.

I know I sound like the biggest bastard now, all teh ladies out there are going to hate me, well I understand why you hate me n I wun give any excuses for my actions. Rite now I await the outcome, both ways I will feel miserable. Those whom choose to leave this blog and never to come back due to the disgust you feel for me, I thank you for reading all this time.