Its Getting Ugly

I never wanted to have such turn of events, to an extend that one of her close ffriends come to my blog to try to give me a lesson in morals, Hey common I am sure your morals are not too good either, think about it, I dun mind being the bastard that everyone wants to make me out to be. Its ok, i dun have friends to being with, and there is not much damage that can be done to me.

Next, if you want to state things, i do hope you get your facts rite and ask her the trith b4 posting something like that in my blog, really makes you look like you pull shit out form your ass. If you are trying to get the gal whom I am with now to leave me in disgust, try all you want. If she really does want to leave me, then it is fate and she never really loved me, but no she is standing strong with me. Also I wonder in your life if you are truely in love with someone? Why do I ask this, coz, you seem judgemental and your reasoning is that i shld not have revealed my true feelings in me to prevent her from all teh things that is happening to her now. Is that love to you? I too wanted to end it nicely so that we can at least respect each other, thank you making it hard to do so, and when we tie up our loose ends, most likely it will be hard to be friends anymore, duw to a 'GOOD' friend she has in you.

To butterfly, i am not sure which of her 4 friend you are, be it you are the one that married for money, say a lot about morals eh, the one that married teh 1st guy that came into her life, then do you know wad love is?, the one that claims to be a christian and is ever so malicious, wow a malicious christian, or teh one I have no problems with, but if yu the one that is doing this then I have a problem with, I dun give a damn wad shit you say about me. It cannot hurt me much. but yu must think, wadever shit you put on this world wide accessable blog, you are doing more harm to her than to me.

Dun tell me that your relationshiup is prefect? If you end up in a divorce when your partner is caught cheating on you then wad? Dun impose your goody 2 shoes philosophy and go look after your own husband/s, dun thinkyou are god or justice to tell ppl off for their relationship problems. I must admit, I never expect her to take it so badly. i just wanted to be happy and yet i could not find it with her, so that is wrong? Anyway say wadever you want, i dun care at all. Instead of cursing me to death, why dun you gals turn your energy to give her support and form aNaiveguy bashing troop? That will help her pull out of the hole 'I' so dug for her.

P/S : if you did not get wad I am trying to say, simply put, STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY RELATIONSHIP AND HOW I DEAL WITH IT

The Bombs have dropped

KNowing my situation, this is wad happened, I have decided to leave my long term relationship, to pursue my hearts interest. Gal A(ex gf) told my bro's Gf as they know each other for sometime. Bro's GF told my bro, my bro exploded at dinner on snday to my parentsabout had I did. I was not there as I anticipated something like that to happen.

I am now bieng ignored by my father, whom has grownto accept Gal A, I think he is angry at me for doing this. Oh well... I had a long tok with my mom and she was just disappointed that if I had intentions not to go so long, I shld have left her earlier. Which I did consider in my past when a friend of mine did mention that if you date a gal past 25 yrs old, more or less she would want to marry you and if you dump her, it would be a heinieous crime.

I am ignoring my bro for exploding as usual, I dun give a fark wad he thinks that I have done wrong, as he is always judgemental and thinks he is always in the rite.

Yes 5 yrs is a long time, but ask you this, wouold you rather spend 5 yrs of being love but never have that tingling feeling in your spine, or 2 months with your love of your life and then die after that.

On that topic, recently after the 1st IPPT I took, I developed a pain in teh left side of my ribs, thinking it is some musculaur pain and I am in no shape, I disregarded it. Then after the second IPPT, the pain intensified, it feels like a broken rib, or a rutured spleen. Why I say that, last nit efor no reason I had somesort of pain attack that felt like something exploded in me. Oh well who wants to live forever rite?

Yes I will see a doctor, dunnoe when, prolly subconcieously I dun want to treat it and let it get real bad and end up in hospital, for all teh guilt I feel about doing this to Gal A. To get forgiveness from my parents, to put teh msg across that it is not an easy decision afterall.

Wadever....maybe if it really gets bad and I die, maybe everyone will be happy then? Oh well we will see

Remorse

Ever felt this feeling? That is like guilt but a hundred times stronger? Well i guess i shld come clean in my blog at least once, at least now, that I have had been in a relationship for 5 yrs with this siimple gentle gal i met on IRC. Back then I was a mess, I was someone that felt like killing himself every other day. Then this simple gal took pity on me and started to love me.

To me, she was not the type of gal I would go for, simple, plain and just sweet. I always wanted a gal that wowed me, she never wowed me, but as she loved me I took wad I felt was 'as good as it gets' in my life. Wad a terrible thing to do rite. I always tot that the gal I wanted in my life never existed, thus I settled for something that seems to be second best. I got to say, if you out there want to settle for second best, dun, make sure you love teh gal with all your heart, else in the long run you will break up or worst divorce.

Well the situation is this, I met this gal recently and she is all I dream of having as a gal. Things were not handled well by me and we ended up in love. Now I am stuck with 2 gals, one is the gal that gave me so much in life, the other is the gal I would want so much out of life. I had 2 choices, to live a lie and continue my existance with this simple gal in my life or to end the 5 yr long r/s and go with the gal that I long for.

I told the gal I longed for that I was attached, she was devastated yet she took it very well. She did not mind being the hidden person, and yet I tried hard to push her away, I wanted to carry on livin a lie. I wanted not to go for teh unknown, yet I was too weak to let go of her. I wanted her so much, I was so selfish that i had only my own desires on my mind. Everyday i spend with her, I knew that she was teh one, the one that I feel I could grow old with, the one that I know would prank me and i would prank her.

Last nite, I finally came clean with the simple gal, I told her that I was in love with someone else. She was in a state of shock, yet she just wanted to love me andstill went home withme, as pernorm. She keep telling me she loved me. My heart sank each time i heard that. She is someone that could give a love i felt no human can, unconditional love, something I never knew I could or would get in my life.

A great feeling overwhelmed me in the middle of the nite I woke up and started crying, thinking of all the tihings she has done for me, and without her I wun be here at all now. I felt that I am being an ingrate by betraying her love fo rme, as my heart is thinking of someone else, I felt remorse about how selfish I am. Yet as I wept, she hugged me and patted my chest and hush me not to cry, AND I AM HURTING HER, wtf am I doing....I feel frustrated with myself, angry that I cannot lov eher teh way she had love me. Angry with myself for being weak n selfish.

I know I sound like the biggest bastard now, all teh ladies out there are going to hate me, well I understand why you hate me n I wun give any excuses for my actions. Rite now I await the outcome, both ways I will feel miserable. Those whom choose to leave this blog and never to come back due to the disgust you feel for me, I thank you for reading all this time.

Humans Bah!!!

Sometimes you wonder why ppl can be absolutely selfish, like just now during lunch thsi BITCH(yes you are one) drove out from a small road and not watching the major road she came out half way which mad eme brake in time to not hit her, she did not show any remorse and just drove off. I was like...WTF

Then later after lunch as I was heading to the expressway in front of me there was this merc that did not move off even when the light was green(obviously there shld be traffic in front) then there was this other merc behind me kept honking his horn like there is no tml or the warrenty of his horn is runningout soon and he had to jam on it. I gave a hand gesture that if he can fly OVER me. I was like WTF when he pull beside me and stared at me.

Then lastly, there are ppl whom come to read MY blog and demand that I update it, its MY blog, so if and when I have time I will update it, I dun write for anyone else but for ME, else I will call it UR blog and not MY blog. I hope you ppl that are pissed or miffed with me not updating MY blog understand that 1) there is nothing you can do to make me update it 2) go get a life obviously you dun have one as you seem to devote your time insulting ppl in their OWN blogs.

Well I have been busy with this online game, so you might not see me blog or the blogging will be spasmatic, meaning non consistant, thus I do hope you guys do not chk back every single day, though I am touch that I do hav eppl coming to my blog to read it. Just that I dun want to MANUFACTURE a blog so that my viewership increases, unlike some shameless whores we know :P Ok back to the game, its called gunbound, for weeks I have been hearing about it, when I finally decide to try it, I am hooked on it. It looks childish if you see it at 1st hand, but if you did try it you would find that its tougher than it looks.

You play with international players via the internet and is good for ages 5 yrs and up, but I seriously dun wish anymore 5 yr olds to join as I am so sick of playing with them, and they kill me(on their own team) or themselves. Btw the url is www.gunbound.net its a korean made game so their native language is not english but they do try hard to appeal to the rest of the english speaking world. Have fun and dun blame me if you get addicted to it. I know I am.

There will not be a review.....

yup folks, sickness has succumb poor me, to not be able to give you pussy reviews on the upcoming pole dancing competition at newsroom, instead, I think I will send my faithful mamasan, LEXELLE, to watch it and give me her 2 hoots about it. If you can bring a camera babe.

Instead, i will tell you a story about mayonaise........

Once there was a man whom had not had anything to eat for 1 week. He was a poor begging bastard, Then as he passed a tree on top of a lonely hill, he found a bottle of mayonaise, not caring whom put it there, he opened the jar of mayonaise and ate it all up. now this guy was satisfied by the mayonaise wondered if he ventured back here everyday would there be any mayonaise for him.

So everyday he came for 2 weeks and for sure there was a full jar of mayonaise for him. Then one day he was curious at which kind soul that put the mayonaise for him to eat. So he found a corner to hide himself, and surely that day, at sun set, a fat pimpl man came up to the hill. He reached teh jar and opened it. Before the poor bastard can go up to this fat pimply man to thank him for teh mayonaise, the fat pimply man started to pop him pimples and squirt the contents of teh pimples into the jar.....

HAHAHAHHAHA I am sick ain't I.

Well peeps, enjoy your mayonaise from now. :P

Isn't it weird.......

That things dun happen the way you want them to, or happens exactly the way you planned it to, but the problem is that you did not want it to happen that way? High fever tends to screw your brain, you do senseless things, you make decisions that dun make sense. So why do we do this? I dun know.....

I guess my nature is to be self destructive, in a way I thrive in sorrow, unhappiness and anything that is sad. Thus I screw myself over and over just to feel pain, emotional or pyhsical, and get a high from it. Its a sick mind up there, with the recent spat of fever, it got sicker.

Its funny still that you hav espent so much time looking for the one that you know is rite for you yet, you cannot have her. Maybe I dun dar eto have her, as I dun know if I can ever be good enuff, ok that is all crap. I guess there is more factors in life than wad you want and wad you get. I got something that I did not mind, nor did not want, thus when I found wad i really want, i hav ebeen stuck with wadever came along for so long that I dun dare to go for wad I want?

Its not making sense, I am not making sense..in this world, I guess nothing makes sense anymore. I tend to do stupid things, ppl agree. Fever seems to be creeping up again...let it be, maybe it will juts burn up and make me a simpler person? Maybe .....just maybe.

Its seems the only way is to give the one you want up. why....coz this is not a fairy tale, nothing goes teh way you want, we live in a fools dream, it pains me to see her so miserable, maybe it pains me less if she hates me..... at least I know she would go on without me in her heart, I dun mind having to hol don to her allmy life, to wish, to regret....yes regret, something I promised never to do again, but alas, in this situation, there is no way I am going to win, or to say, getthe best possible means out of it.

I had to choose the logical path, bear the miserable pain, as I can see it is weariing away at your bones. In the end, only I rememebr such a time and will bear all of it. I guess I willl let my heart die its slow death and just carry on the path that logic dictates. Its funny eh.....that it was wad its meant to be after all

Disappear....

Sometimes you wonder if in this day and age cana person just vansih without a trace. I too had experienced a person that does not want to be contacted and just vanishes form this world just like that. Being a person with little or no friends at all, I was thinking that if one day i want to disappear, without a trace, i.e this blog will be earased or moved, will ppl take notice. I know some of you have come by and read my whacky sense of humour are like going WTF in your minds now.

Well I dun know, I mean I started this blog for the sole purpose of laffing at myself when I grew up and thought about reading the past stupid things I did. I neevr did expect let alone have some ppl actually coming here day n night reading my new entrys. I mean I am not like some superstar like steven lim...ok I digress he is a superstar in his own mind, shudders, But still ppl like him if dsappears, ppl will take notice. Then of me? Nah who cares rite, just another insignificant grain of sand on this perverbial beach.

I have been plague by mental questions lately, questioning my very exisistence, wondering if I had vanished some yrs back who the world be a better place. I think back on all the lives i had an impact on, the ppl I piss off, the ppl I still piss off on the road(yeah you know me...I am the one in black spectra that you damn assholes seem to like to race with all teh time) , more imptly the ppl thatmattered in myu lie, those whom gave up on me, cried for me, laffed with me, hate me, love me(YES EVEN AN ARSE LIKE ME HAVE PPL LOVING, SO GET OVER IT), those whom I advice, those whom I seek advise from. Would it matter ifI was not there at those points of life? I cam to the conculsion that the world would be a better place without me.

I am not say ingthat i am some big fuck that can change the fate of history here, I am saying the world will be a better place without me like maybe 0.00000000001%, but hey in a world of 6 billion thats a lot of lives affected. Anyway I wonder what my next step nowadays, since having only maybe 1 friend that is actually my friend at most in this world, If I want to, I can actually disappear without a trace. Frightening thought, oh well lifes goes on. Maybe I shld be a zoo keeper or something since I work and relate so well with animalls (5 pets in my room) And they much easier to please and understand.

I have always told myself I wanted to be simple an dhave a simple exisistence, but lately I came to terms that that is not possible, I am much more complexed (read as screwed up) than I will admit. My mind has mind boggling theories that only those in white padded rooms can think of, I blalantly admit to have suck on terapins penis on IRC.....etc etc, see where I am getting at? Well I always have thought that those in IMH could be the sane ones while we the rest of 'same' humans might actually be the real nutcases.

Think about it.....if you disappeared, how many lives you know would be changed....